King of Gophers

So, which is worse? A gopher eating all

your favorite flowers’ roots and killing them

or elephants stampeding in your yard?

Of course we’re only talking pachyderms

the size of pigmy goats, but still . . . but still

the damage and destruction they could cause.

So which would you prefer, and would it make

a difference if the gophers were the size

of elephants? I think that I’d prefer

the giant gophers. Just imagine what

it would be like: Instead of being pests

they could be worth a fortune. Can’t you see

them excavating tunnels? Course you’d have

to train ’em so they’d dig the tunnels straight.

Perhaps the PETA people would allow

the fashionistas to be draped in gopher fur.

And just imagine all the gopher steaks!

These giant pests, the gophers in my yard

would make me richer than my wildest dreams!

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